Entry tags:
(crosspost from fb)
(crosspost note, July 13, 2019: I wrote this as a comment on a FB post in a group for Russian immigrants in Boston. The OP was asking how cliques and so on work in US schools and what, if anything, parents can do to help. I'm not sure I stand behind everything I wrote here, but I do want to make sure to archive it somewhere accessible.)
In most schools, there are several different categories of people:
2. The wanna-bes. Very slightly less good at social engineering than the popular kids. From the outside, the two categories blur together into one mob, but they themselves know exactly who is who.
3. The "normal" kids. Often divided by interest - the art kids, the theater kids, the jocks, etc. Many of them, especially boys, are under the sincere if misguided impression that this is how the whole school works. "We don't really have a clique problem at this school", "people are friends with those who share their interests, that's normal", "adults are like this too" - by and large, these are the sentiments of category 3. In some schools, a particular interest will belong to either a higher or lower category - football players and cheerleaders are stereotypically popular, for instance, but this is not universal. Math team is universally social suicide.
It is important to distiguish the popular kids who happen to, say, play softball, from the clique of softball players. The softball players care about the sport, and want to be friends with others who care about the sport. The popular kids who happen to play softball don't care all that much.
4. The outcast group(s). The nerds, geeks, weirdos, the leftovers that band together in self-defense. Sometimes they are just ignored by everyone else and ignore everyone else back. That usually works out ok, and is the source of the recommendation to just be friends with other nerds and not care what anyone else thinks. More often, there is bullying of some sort. In "good" schools, it's not physical, it's usually limited to taunts, sniggers, and a general attitude of disgust. This is possible to ignore up to a certain point, but is quite difficult when you are randomly assigned to work with one of the bullies in class. There is a particular expression that certain popular kids get when the existence of an outcast is brought to their attention, an expression vaguely reminiscent of an elegant lady smelling manure and trying not to barf. This is sometimes the best-case scenario.
The bullying is generally done by categories 1 and 2. Category 3 is either unaware or doesn't care. After all, if they try to interfere, they might get dragged down too.
5. The loners. Some people are too weird even for other weirdos; some don't have enough other weirdos around to make a clique; some are too shy or awkward to join an existing group; some are weird in a different way than the rest of the outcasts. If someone goes to a school where all the outcasts play video games, does not like video games, and does not posess the social skills to get in with the outcast group regardless, they will be a loner.
Those are the basic categories. Different schools will have different proportions of each; my high school, for example, had basically no category 4. All those who had been category 4 in middle school either drifted up to category 3 or down to category 5 in high school.
Within each category, there are different groups, each with its own rules and hierarchy. The hierarchy within a group, I must note, does not necessarily correspond to the hierarchy as seen from outside. The most well-liked and central person in a "normal" group might not be the person who is the closest to being popular. Someone on the fringes of an outcast group may be in a position to move up to category 3.
Usually, however, the rankings do match, with the result that in many groups of all categories, there are people who are basically on probation, who aren't quite part of the group and are under constant threat of being pushed out. Which leads to kids being bullied by their so-called friends, except that no one involved actually recognizes it as bullying at the time. Or they do, and still try to stick to their group of "friends" because being alone is worse.
Basically, teenagers are terrible. Sometimes ridiculously, farcically terrible; sometimes terrible on a more human scale. And there's not much anyone can do. Yay.
(I wrote a very long comment - there were too many points I wanted to address to make it shorter. Sorry!)
First, some obvious truths: A. All schools are different. Even one school will change from year to year. Moreover, all children are different, and the experience of one student generalizes very poorly to others. B. Middle school isn't kind to almost anyone, because kids are terrible. When they aren't being mean to one another on purpose, they are being mean by accident. C. There's not much a parent can do. All you can do is listen to your child, take them seriously, and try to give them advice IF they ask for it. And move them to a different school if it gets really bad.
In most schools, there are several different categories of people:
1. The popular kids. Everyone adores them, wants to be them or be friends with them. Sometimes they are genuinely admirable; more often they are just very good at manipulation and social engineering.
2. The wanna-bes. Very slightly less good at social engineering than the popular kids. From the outside, the two categories blur together into one mob, but they themselves know exactly who is who.
3. The "normal" kids. Often divided by interest - the art kids, the theater kids, the jocks, etc. Many of them, especially boys, are under the sincere if misguided impression that this is how the whole school works. "We don't really have a clique problem at this school", "people are friends with those who share their interests, that's normal", "adults are like this too" - by and large, these are the sentiments of category 3. In some schools, a particular interest will belong to either a higher or lower category - football players and cheerleaders are stereotypically popular, for instance, but this is not universal. Math team is universally social suicide.
It is important to distiguish the popular kids who happen to, say, play softball, from the clique of softball players. The softball players care about the sport, and want to be friends with others who care about the sport. The popular kids who happen to play softball don't care all that much.
4. The outcast group(s). The nerds, geeks, weirdos, the leftovers that band together in self-defense. Sometimes they are just ignored by everyone else and ignore everyone else back. That usually works out ok, and is the source of the recommendation to just be friends with other nerds and not care what anyone else thinks. More often, there is bullying of some sort. In "good" schools, it's not physical, it's usually limited to taunts, sniggers, and a general attitude of disgust. This is possible to ignore up to a certain point, but is quite difficult when you are randomly assigned to work with one of the bullies in class. There is a particular expression that certain popular kids get when the existence of an outcast is brought to their attention, an expression vaguely reminiscent of an elegant lady smelling manure and trying not to barf. This is sometimes the best-case scenario.
The bullying is generally done by categories 1 and 2. Category 3 is either unaware or doesn't care. After all, if they try to interfere, they might get dragged down too.
5. The loners. Some people are too weird even for other weirdos; some don't have enough other weirdos around to make a clique; some are too shy or awkward to join an existing group; some are weird in a different way than the rest of the outcasts. If someone goes to a school where all the outcasts play video games, does not like video games, and does not posess the social skills to get in with the outcast group regardless, they will be a loner.
Loners present a smaller but more defenseless target than groups. Sometimes this makes the bullying better, sometimes worse. Being completely ignored, however, is not much of a relief when there is not a group of friends to turn to, and loners are often completely ignored by everyone. Oh, people from category 3 and 4 will say hi to them, will probably be polite if assigned to work together in class, will sometimes even sit with them at lunch. But friendship will be out of the question.
Those are the basic categories. Different schools will have different proportions of each; my high school, for example, had basically no category 4. All those who had been category 4 in middle school either drifted up to category 3 or down to category 5 in high school.
Within each category, there are different groups, each with its own rules and hierarchy. The hierarchy within a group, I must note, does not necessarily correspond to the hierarchy as seen from outside. The most well-liked and central person in a "normal" group might not be the person who is the closest to being popular. Someone on the fringes of an outcast group may be in a position to move up to category 3.
Usually, however, the rankings do match, with the result that in many groups of all categories, there are people who are basically on probation, who aren't quite part of the group and are under constant threat of being pushed out. Which leads to kids being bullied by their so-called friends, except that no one involved actually recognizes it as bullying at the time. Or they do, and still try to stick to their group of "friends" because being alone is worse.
Basically, teenagers are terrible. Sometimes ridiculously, farcically terrible; sometimes terrible on a more human scale. And there's not much anyone can do. Yay.